I was swimming in the beach this weekend and got caught in the rough waters in a desperate attempt to eat a seagull that I spotted.

Then this old lady spots me and she's like "Hey man, are you ok?!" and I'm like "No, b*%ch does it look like I'm ok??"

F*&k my life. I just wanted to attack that seagull. Now I'm cold and my little legs aren't strong enough to fight these waves. Plus I really need to take a dump. This just sucks all around.

Oh f*&k I'm getting really fatigued now. I'm drowning, like for real. Can someone please throw me a bone? Or a life preserver? Or a dingo? Whatever.

Then finally this one guy decides to be a hero and come save me. Why he felt the need to remove his pants, I'm not sure.

I was like, "Hurry the f*$k up man!"

"Seriously, just jump! It's not that cold once you get in, I promise. Ugh. Where is my worthless mother when I need her most?"

"Oh f&%k. Down I go."

You are my f*$kin hero. Seriously.

"Careeeful, Careful. I'm delicate."

This is so f*&king embarrassing. Never going to the beach again. I'll stick to chasing squirrels. Ease up lady I'm still in shock.

Moral of the story, wear your f&#king life jacket. Or stay away from the water. Whatever.

**This was a totally made up story. Nugget claims no rights to those photos, and has no f*&king clue who that dog or those people were.